Where to begin?  Maybe with the spinning plates?

•  New deeper conversations with Beth.  What is it to be engaged in this environment?
•  Slowly cleaning out the things that are 'out' logistically.  Slowly
•  Beginning to address the dilemma with Kami
•  Missing my kids
•  Finding room in my consciousness for aspects of myself long dormant to expand

A lot has happened in the months since that first meeting with Nicole Daedone.  My experience of myself has gotten richer, clearer, easier.  I feel fundamentally 'at ease'.  Why?  Who knows, who cares.  It is this way.  My manic need to understand everything has nearly disappeared.  The pieces and parts of my personality that I tried to hide from my peers have started to be expressed in clean safe ways that are (surprisingly) useful.

Well not that kind of stroke.  The other kind.  The other end of the anatomy. 

First the facts.  I had carbon monoxide poisoning.  At least that's one way to describe it.  To be more precise, my level of available oxygen dropped down into the 70's.  The range is 0 - 100, with 0 being no available oxygen in the body (aka dead) and 100 being 100% of the oxygen available (aka normal).  Bad things start to happen in the 50 - 65 range.  I was put on oxygen for roughly 3 hours, at the end of that they took yet another set of blood samples and found that my oxygen levels were back up to 97.  So after a stern talking to by the supervising doctor I was blessed and released.  The cause of all this was inhaling the exhaust from the gas saw that we were using in a very enclosed space.  There were not additional factors, not dust, fumes or chemicals.  

I am grateful that I listened to the very insistent voice "go get help, go now". 

I am grateful that I am in this community, within a group where I can surrender.  Within a tribe of attentive and caring people.

There were times last night when I could feel the threads that tie me loosen.  I not so much felt as noticed an increasing lack of sensation, with very little connecting me back.  I felt a powerful desire - longing to fall into that absense.  The release from everything and all I need to do is fall into it.  Now looking back at my evening at how fragile everything is, I guess I got to feel how very little it takes for the whole house of cards to come down.  I live like I'm not one heart beat from the end.  And I am.  Just one heart beat, one stroke of my heart.